Jokes & Pics
Free funny Jokes and funniest Pics for
Falling in Love
Submitted by: Alan King
The football player knows his way better around the locker room than he does the library. So when the librarian
sees the gridiron star roaming the stacks of books looking confused, she asks if she
can be of any assistance.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," the player says.
"Which one?" she asks.
He scans the shelves and responds: "William."
Submitted by: Richard Jeni
Genuine Fake Watches?
Submitted by: Totie Fields
Dumbest Question Answer
What does a vegan zombie eat?
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his butt.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed!
What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?
What do calendars eat?
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
They kept dropping their trunks
What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
Where does George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies
what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
Why did the police officer smell?
Because he was on duty
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
IT WAS IN TENTS
What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?
What kind of flower is on your face?
What's brown and sticky?
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
'cause it's pointless!
What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?
This tastes funny.
What was T-Rex's favorite number?
What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke!
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
What do sharks say when something radical happens?
What kind of horses go out after dusk?
What did the ghost say to the bee?
Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?
What did 0 say to 8?
What do you do with a sick boat?
Take it to the doc'
Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Why did Simba's father die?
Because he couldn't Mufasa!
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor!
How does an octopus go to war?
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What is the definition of a good farmer?
A man outstanding in his field
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the monkey.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
What do you call bears with no ears?
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter-- he can't come to you anyway.
Why does Tigger smell bad?
He's always playing with pooh.
What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
What's green and sings?
Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant?
Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Who's ever heard of a yellow elephant?
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for elephants who forgot their sandals.
How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
You can't get the door closed.
How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
There's a Volkswagen parked out front.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.
What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant?
Run around and around until you're pooped out.
Submitted by: Robert Klein
Submitted by: Dennis Miller
It is the first day of the school year and the shop teacher is surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom.
Her name is Judy and she is the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class
this term. The shop teacher asks her if she is sure she is in the right class, and Judy
assures him that she is.
The teacher then says, "This course may be a bit outof your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" replies Judy.
"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher
Judy ponders the question for a moment, then replies, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'.
Submitted by: Gary Shandling
How to save yourself from a high jump
Submitted by: George Burns
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